That's What We DO!

We laugh ...

2 Notes

Two men eating grass by the roadside

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw
two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don’t have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall.”

1 Notes

Boot Trouble

My 2-year-old son asked our baby sitter for help in getting his boots on.

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had already worked up a sweat.

She almost whimpered when my son said, “Wrong feet!”

She looked and sure enough, they were on the wrong feet. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on — this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, “They’re my cousin’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.”

She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, “Now, where are your mittens?”

He said, “I stuffed them in my boots…”

2 Notes

You might be an engineer if …

… choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.

… you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.

… in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.

… the salespeople at the local computer store can’t answer any of your questions.

… at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.

… you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.

… you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

… you can type 70 words per minute but can’t read your own handwriting.

… you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

… you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.

… you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.

… you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

… you know what http:// stands for.

… you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids’ toys together.

… you see a good design and still have to change it.

… you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.

… you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.

… you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.

… you window shop at Radio Shack.

… your laptop computer costs more than your car.

… your wife hasn’t the foggiest idea of what you do at work.

… you’ve already calculated how much you make per second.

… you’ve tried to repair a $5 radio.

1 Notes

Two People - One Parachute

You are one of TWO persons on a malfunctioning aeroplane with only one parachute. How would you react? Here are the likely responses from major groups of people:

Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.

Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before and someone else will have a chance
that way.

Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat: you conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping to sue the airline.

Doctor: you say you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.

Sales Executive: you sell the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service Inspector: you confiscate the parachute along with his luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Engineer: you make another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.

Scientist: you give away the parachute and ask the other guy to send you a report on how well it worked.

Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.

Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.

Computer Scientist: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.

Economist: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalyst: you ask what the shape of a parachute reminds one of.

Dramatist: you tie the other down so he can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.

Artist: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.

Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.

Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.

Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown that jumping out of a plane is NOT harmful to your health.

Q: What if you’re an optimistic lawyer?

1 Notes

Brain Teasers

1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?

2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?

3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it’s highest, how many rungs are under water?

4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What colour is the bear?

5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?

6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. Who is Sloppy? How did Sloppy die?

7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?

8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, both of them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first?

Same question, but the location is in Canada?

9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.

10. What can go up a chimney down, but can’t go down a chimney up? (hint… chim chimminy)

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the centre field?

12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

—-

Answers

1. The word “incorrectly.” {Almost cracked your brain, didn’t you?}

2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.

3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Duh.

4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.

5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition. So… half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.

6. Sloppy is a (gold)fish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him. {Poor Sloppy.}

7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it’s still a hole: the absence of dirt. (And those of you who said 36 cubic feet are wrong for another reason, too. You would have needed the length measurement too. So you don’t even know how much air is in the hole.)

8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again. The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down…

9. The time and month/date/year American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.

10. An umbrella.

11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

12. The temperature.

5 Notes

In-flight humour

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”

2. Pilot — “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land…it’s a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

3. After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

8. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

9. “As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

10. “Last one off the plane must clean it.”

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry…Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

13. Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal.”

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?”

"Why no, Ma’am," said the pilot, "what is it?"

The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

16. Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”

3 Notes

12 Pounds of Bananas

A little old lady is sitting in the violin section, fumbling for notes in a difficult key signature. After a few minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with his music stand, and the poor old dear dies instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row. Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily conducting the orchestra when the trumpet player goes sharp. Enraged, he lunges out with his baton, skewering the offender’s neck and killing him. Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water; he tries everything - but the conductor won’t die. So again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a trombonist. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution. At this point, the executioner can take no more - his professional pride has been hurt.

Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret, “What is it with the bananas?”

"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it," replies our friend. "I’m just a bad conductor."

0 Notes

Keeping a high profile in an office

Never write a note or memo if you can phone or visit instead; everyone wants to talk whenever you’re ready.

Don’t sit down to talk. The acoustics are better the higher you are, and remember that most people are a bit deaf so speak up louder!

Try to talk with _at least_ three people between you and your listener, so that they don’t feel left out.

The very best place for a conversation is in the corridor, beside someone else’s desk. If the corridor is full, try leaning against their cupboard or hanging over their screen.

Never warn people of your approach by knocking on their desk or cupboard. People love surprises, especially if they’re busy.

The best time to disturb someone is when they look thoughtful or are concentrating. It’s your _duty_ to give them a break now and again.

To make sure that _you_ get regular breaks, never use a “Do No Disturb” sign. When other people use them they’re only joking.

Always hold meetings around a desk. If you book a conference room everyone will think you’ve got something to hide.

If the phone isn’t answered after four rings, hang on. Someone will answer it eventually, and they might like a chat, too.

Never divert calls if you’re leaving your desk. Your telephone could get into bad habits.

Try to whistle, hum or tap your fingers while you work. It is a comfort to others to know that you’re still there.

If you have to design the office layout, remember to leave lots of wide-open spaces so that we can see and hear each other right across the floor.

2 Notes

Mother Teresa and God

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. “Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?” asked God.

"I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.

So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.

The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn’t contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, “God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don’t understand it…”

God sighed. “Let’s be honest Teresa,”
He said, “… for just two people, it doesn’t pay to cook.”

1 Notes

Definitions for Parents

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when a baby doesn’t appreciate the mashed carrots.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

STERILISE: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pyjamas.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a washrag.”