That's What We DO!

We laugh ...

1 Notes

Don’t Copy Me

As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: “And get ME a coke…NOW!”

The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot’s attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy.

As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams:

"Get me another coke or I’ll really create a scene!"

Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee.

Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I’ll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!”

The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards.

Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: “You’re pretty cheeky for a guy who can’t fly!”

5 Notes

Children’s Notes to God

A nun asked her class to write notes to God. Here are some of the notes the children handed in:

Dear God: I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool.

Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t You just keep the ones You have?

Dear God: Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other so much if they had their own rooms. That’s what my Mom did for me and my brother.

Dear God: If You watch me in church on Sunday, I’ll show You my new shoes.

Dear God: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I’m having a hard time loving all of them.

Dear God: In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You’re on vacation?

Dear God: Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?

Dear God: Is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?

Dear God: Did You mean for the Giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

Dear God: Who draws the lines around the countries?

Dear God: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that okay?

Dear God: Did You really mean “do unto others as they do unto you”? Because if You did, then I’m going to get my brother good.

Dear God: Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Dear God: Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

Dear God: I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.

Dear God: You don’t have to worry about me; I always look both ways.

6 Notes

To My Loving Wife

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realising his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been ‘called home to glory’ following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I’ve Arrived!
I’ve just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

(P.S. Sure is hot down here!)

Shelly

2 Notes

A Serious Chat with Mom

Maria answers the telephone.
“Darling, How are you? This is Mommy.”

"Oh Mommy," Maria said crying, "I’m having a bad day. The baby won’t eat and the washing machine won’t work. I’ve sprained my ankle and I’m hobbling around. On top of all this, the house is a mess and I’m supposed to have the Minkys and the Rokens for dinner tonight. I haven’t even had a chance to go shopping."

The voice on the other end said in sympathy, “Darling, let Mommy handle it. Sit down, relax and close your eyes. I’ll be over in half an hour. I’ll do your shopping, tidy up the house and cook your dinner. I’ll feed the baby and I’ll call an engineer I know who’ll fix your washing machine. Now stop crying. I’ll even call your husband David at the office and tell him he should come home to help out for once.”

"David?" said Maria. "Who’s David?"

"Why, David ‘s your husband….Is this 2452584?"

"No, this is 2452548."
“Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I dialled the wrong number.”

There was a short pause, then Maria said, “Does this mean you’re not coming over?”

4 Notes

Quick Eye Exam

This will blow your mind…!
Just do it - don’t cheat!!!!!!!!!!!!
Try this its actually quite good.
But don’t cheat!
Count the number of F’s in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

Managed it?

Scroll down only after you have counted them!

OK?

How many?

Three?

Wrong, there are six - no joke!

Read again!

FINISHED FILES ARE THE

RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC

STUDY COMBINED WITH THE

EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

The reasoning is further down…
The brain cannot process the word “OF”.

0 Notes

Fun in Airplane

Pinch the stewardess’ butt as she passes.

When two people kiss in the in flight movie, belch real loud.

When there’s any nudity, hoot really loudly for a few minutes.

Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it.

Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.

Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, announce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places.

Run down the aisle screaming, “He’s got a bomb! He’s got a bomb!”.

Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.

"Accidental" soda spill on the dork next to you.

Give someone a coin, saying “Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don’t”.

Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling “We’re out of toilet paper! Stewardess!”.

Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you.

Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane.

Start a hot dog stand.

Steal businessman’s laptop, play solitaire on it.

Remark that perhaps you shouldn’t have put super glue in your underpants that morning.

Pick your nose and pat the person next to you.

Show off your Batman underwear.

Switch accents and see if anyone notices.

Sneak into the cockpit and hit the warning alarm.

Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger.

Go into the cockpit, flick on the intercom light, then loudly inquire as to why the fuel dial says “e”.

Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice “Why do they call it the COCKpit?” then snort as if it’s the funniest thing in the world.

Don’t use deodorant, then “accidentally” stick your armpit in someone’s face.

Sneeze, using somebody’s sleeve instead of your hand to cover it.

Snort when you laugh.

Tell corny jokes and laugh like it’s absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same.

Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling “Yeee-ha!”.

With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say “Never mind. Do you have any towels?”.

Jump up and scream “AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!”.

Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they’re Kevin Costner or Goldie Hawn (This best then the person looks nothing like the movie star in question)

If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off.

Pretend you’re flying the plane.

Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong to a biker gang.

Take over the plane with a toy gun.

Yell to someone “Is it time to hijack the plane yet?” (Note: Do this when there are stewardess nearby).

To the person next to you, say “It’s amazing that they didn’t notice the grenade in my luggage.

5 Notes

Life Would Change If Men Got Pregnant

Maternity leave would last two years…with full pay!
There’d be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete. {E.g.: You want me to push this through WHAT?!!}
Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s No. 1 health problem.
All methods of birth control would be improved to 100% effectiveness.
Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet-trained and over the “Terrible Twos.”
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldn’t think twins were quite so cute.
Fathers would demand that their sons be home from dates by 10 p.m.
Men could use their briefcases as diaper bags.
They’d stay in bed for the entire nine months.
Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.
Women would rule the world.

3 Notes

My Dad Always Says…

If it isn’t broke, fix it till it is.
I don’t get even, I get odder.
I am having an out of money experience.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
I’m not afraid of heights, I’m afraid of widths.
Practice safe eating, always use condiments.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
If it weren’t for me, there’d just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.
I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.

5 Notes

Swimming Pool

((((Ringing))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle
Paul.”

"Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, …this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy
that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway”

"Okay Daddy, just a minute" A few minutes later the little girl comes back
to the phone.

"I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

"Oh no!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess
he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit
the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead”

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause**

Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool?? … Is this 2548685?”

2 Notes

Salad Humour

Waiter, waiter! There’s a maggot in my salad.
Don’t worry, he won’t live long in that stuff.

Waiter, waiter! There’s a spider in my salad.
Yes sir, the chef’s using Webb lettuces today.

Waiter, waiter! There’s a fly in my soup!”
“Don’t worry sir, the spider in your salad will eat it”

Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.

How do you repair a broken tomato?
Tomato Paste!

Why did the boy close the refrigerator door?
He didn’t want to see the salad dressing!

A faucet, lettuce and a tomato were in a race…what happened?
The faucet was running, the lettuce was ahead, and the tomato was trying to ketchup!

What kind of lettuce did they serve on The Titanic?
Iceberg!

Q: What do you call a spider who makes salad?
A: A salad spinner.

Q. What is the most romantic fruit salad?
A. A date with a peach.

Waiter, what is bug doing in my salad ?
Trying to find it’s way out sir !

Waiter, what is this creepy-crawly doing in my salad?
Not him again, he’s in here every night !

Waiter, waiter! There’s a caterpillar on my salad.
Don’t worry sir, there is no extra charge.