Bobby walks into a drug store to buy condoms but couldn’t find them. He tells the pharmacist “I’m going to need a dozen condoms?”. The pharmacist replies “Sure thing. Big night tonight?” With a chuckle and a smile the Bobby said “Oh yeah, I’m going to take my girlfriends virginity tonight. She’s a bit too immature for me but I’m still gonna pop her cherry. Might as well wear it out before I kick her to the curb”. The pharmacist shakes his head and sells the boy the condoms.
Later that night, Bobby knocks on his girlfriends door and the pretty teenage girl answers. With a big hug she says, “Come, I want you to meet my family”. “This is my mother and father”, the young girl said. “Hello ma’am, hello sir, I was going to take your daughter to a movie and come straight back but only if I have your permission and blessing.” With a big smile the girl says “Bobby, you never told me you were such a polite gentleman”. Bobby sternly looked at her and said “yeah… and you never told me your dad was a pharmacist”.
for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer. “I can’t do that, officer.”
“Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”
“Okay, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.”
“Can’t do that either, officer.”
“Because I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.”
“Alright, we could get a blood sample.”
“Can’t do that either, officer.”
“Because I’m a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.”
“Fine then, just walk this white line.”
“Can’t do that either, officer.”
“Because I’m drunk.”
A fleeing Taliban fighter desperate for water was lost in the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried towards ‘the object’ only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban fighter asked, “Do you have water?!!?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The Taliban fighter shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first! “
“Okay” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom”.
Muttering, the Taliban fighter staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
“Your fucking brother won’t let me in without a tie”.
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but no matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull. The people were very upset and decided to go to The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. ” The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this Before asking, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?” The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . “You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: “My wife is from Scotland “
I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.
The kids wouldn’t talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.
A pharmacist, you racist.
He wanted to dig his Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me….Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad, Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the bodies.
At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the Yams and Potatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
There was a man named Charlie who was such a die-hard optimist. No matter how hard the situation was, he would always say, “It could have been worse.”
So to cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a story to trick him.
One day, his friends told him, “Charlie, did you hear what happened to Rob? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot then both, and turned the gun on himself!”
“That’s so tragic,” Charlie replied, “but it could have been worse.”
“HOW THE FUCK,” his dumbfounded friends replied, “could it POSSIBLY be FUCKING WORSE???”
“Well,” says Charlie, “IF IT FUCKING HAPPENED THE NIGHT BEFORE, I’D BE FUCKING DEAD!”
So a black man and his wife were invited to a halloween costume party. The man being a very busy person when it came to work tells his wife “Look I need you to buy me a costume for the party since I’m busy with work.” She agrees and he goes off to work as usual.
He comes home that night and laying out on his bed is a superman costume. He looks over at his wife and says “I can’t wear this, I mean seriously? Have you ever seen a black superman?” She nods and apologizes and says she’ll get him a different costume.
The next night he comes home and on his bed is a Batman costume. He puts his palm in his face and says “Really honey? You’ve got to be kidding me. Have you ever seen a black batman? Take this shit back and get me a different costume.” She grits her teeth a little, but agrees.
The next night, he comes home and laying out on his bed are three white plates, a big white belt, and a 2x4 of lumber. He looks down at these random objects and asks his wife “What the hell are these supposed to be?” She smirks and says “Well, you didn’t like batman or superman because they weren’t black, so I figured you could wear those three white plates, and you could go to the party as a domino. If you don’t like that, you can wear that big white belt, and you can go as an oreo. If you still don’t like that, you can take that 2x4 and shove it up your ass, and you can go as a fudgecicle!”
It’s late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?’
‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’
‘Yes,’ the man at National Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.’
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’
‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’
‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.
The weatherman replied,’The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood’